so emotional

How the f*#k u cud u leave wothout saying goodbye without callin me Geez one more time?
How u gon leave before I get to have my two boys and watch them play power rangers together n make too much noise? U left way too soon, dog I was gonna call u back. I just got in around 1am and didn't wanna wake the fam... But damn. I was gonna hit u up the next day but the next day you was gone. She called me n told u me you just stayed asleep- found u cold and solid not a breath or peep. You aint even finish cuttin juju beans hair- u just left- midsentence like a comma and we all posed to just move on? I never wanted u to hear me mad at you I swear. U thought our family was distant cause of ur previous missions. U kno I'd never judge u got too much love for you. Now the youngest wear the line like its his cover "no closer than a brother" Why Rhakeem? Now I'm just supposed to see u in my dreams? U kno I don't sleep enough. I never was the emotional one that was you n Jay- but since u went away I can't call it. I swear I'm still strong but my walls be fallin. If I woulda called you right away- soon as I read the note u mailed me that day with the picture of your boys, big ol heads like yours- if I called you right away- would I have snatched u out ur sleep before death came n reaped? I don't know if I'm mad at you or the Doctor or this life this just don't seem right.... And right now I'm so emotional somewhere between sad and anti-social I scribble and I type tryna write like u used to write. I don't wanna always sound morbid but its how I keep the tears from crawlin. Sorrows are like tomorrows right? Inevitable and temporary? Then this has been one long azz today- the pain subsides but never goes away. Everytime I talk 2 ur wife- ur boys my nephews I feel for their lives. I mean u were myyy big Brother- but u raised them and was in love wit her and the pain I feel simultaneously enrages me- feel like how can I miss you when I'm fully grown? The boys have no more home to call home. Your wife gotta do it all alone. You and I were phone calls and holidays...blood never thinned but we coped long distance. I don't deserve to be so emotional but....what the f*ck else am I supposed to do?


Am I supposed to wear your name on my chest? Yes and I do and every mirror, wife beater and v-neck exposes you. Remember when I told you my boy Joe-nathan made fun of me? For how I used to tell all your stories? "My big brother does this, that and the other" All my fellas through high school knew you well, never saw you for a second but who could tell? All the biggest moments of my life were not felt when they were dated- but after hearing you describe them all animated. You turned my moments to historic, my proportions grew enormous just hearing the source of this shadow exclaim them.
You lived your life and did everything to protect me from repeating and all I ever wanted was your nod of approval in due season. So when we grew and it became me coaching you nothing was more gratifying then getting off the phone and being able to return to you some of the strength that you grew me on. So emotionally content, wound up yet able to vent because you spent the right amount of time loving yourself...loving yourself enough to thank the folks that helped you up. If I can do with the rest of my life what you did with the last 5 months of your time- pleased they'd all be with my legacy. I'm a giant because of you and I don't know how to play short. I still run for the end zone like I can never be caught. They call me a "true Libra" say I have no feelings either but I have yet to meet an emotion that stays and overcomes beyond a day like the way you blanket the sane of my face. . But I found a way to this so emotional state from bound, down and all to twenty f*#in feet tall. All you gave and all you had on reserve for me...I will store up and exert exponentially. Never weak not for a second, minute or hour- so long as my chest rests you I will borrow your powers.