t.m.i.

I wear my short hair nappy and my bowtie loose. My hat never sits quite right like it's supposed to.  

When I was younger I would take dumb long showers.  Leave the conditioner in my hair for like half an hour. Wash my beans and thing thing and everything in between and as soon as I was so fresh and so clean clean, I'd brush my hair with the conditioner still in, then rinse it out and my waves would spin, kinda like I had Indian kin. Then I'd hop out and stand  in the mirror kinda bored, would brush my eyebrows lightly from corner to corner.

Sometimes like Pierre I don't care or don't fear like I'm supposed to. I spent less time choosing a college then I do choosing a lunch menu.  

I use the woman's bathroom at work when I'm the last in the office because it smells like twinkies and ours smells like inner coffin.

I wear long johns on my legs whenever it's too brick but I have to change the combination of how my wifebeater gets tucked in. It usually goes straight into my jeans this is to prevent that gay belly button breeze. But when long johns are present, the wifebeater has to go second. This actually is smart in two ways: if I have to tinkle and my tango doesn't slow it down, fighting through the extra layers could make me and my pants look and smell like a clown.  So with wifebeater in second, protected are my legs and weapon, I can lift my shirts in one swoop and pull out the weapon with hand number two.

When I was younger, I wore hard shoes like Forrest Gump but Mama removed them prematurely cause I would Run, Forest, Run...that's not why, that's a lie. She took my corrective shoes off when I was two and threw them away someplace because I'd kick my older brother's company in the shin and smile in their face. He told me they would laugh to hold back tears trying not to let it be known that they're manhood was on thin ice cause of a terrible, toddler, two-year old. Now still to this day I walk slightly like Donald or Daffy. But more than a handful of females confessed to me it was kinda sexy.  One further explained that it was partially revealing, well at least to her imagination, what I was concealing.  And no, I did not give her some in case you were wondering or judging me son. 

I drink a lot of milk, not in a glass but cereal setting.  I eat so much damn Frosted Flakes, I got Kellogg's through the recession.  It's pretty bad, a few years back... my family, the fellas and closest chick at the time got together and threw me a 25th Tony the Tiger themed birthday party surprise.  Blue and orange balloons, streamers and decorations... like 25 boxes of cereal in different sizes and I ate 'em. I ate 'em all.

I sex like bass....and there is a direct proportion between the level of attraction to the level of bass.

I have quite an obsession with Q-tips. Not any cotton swabs or puffy sticks... No... 100 percent cotton, Unilever Q-tips. It was brought to my attention that when I stick them in my ear, my eyes roll back like "mmmmm yeaaaaaaah."

I have a knot on the back of my head, probably from those terrible-twos and if you or I rub it hard enough I fall asleep and rather quickly too.

Don't touch my nipples. Just don't. 

When I have a goal, plan or focus and what to keep it up front, I write it on a rubber band and wear it untill it's done. The goal that is.  And if the band breaks prior to I grab my pen and another and start the cycle anew.

When I was around 9 I swallowed a pinball one time...about half an inch in diameter, silver, metal and smooth. I ran to my Pop's room and gave him the universal choking I'm about to die clue...Couldn't talk or yell so I was pointing in my mouth.  He said (just like a grouch) "Booooy..what's wrong with you now?!!!". I screamed out a whisper..."I'm choking....I'm choking.". He rushed me to the bathroom and I wish I was joking but he forced me to drink water and swallow it down. I'm only 9 but thinking to myself.."Isn't he supposed to do the Heimlech now??". The pinball went down my throat (no homo) or so we thought, Pops gave me bread and more water to clear anything that was caught.  Go to sleep and wake and go to school, Monday now Tues and everything seemed cool.  Humpday came and went and by now I had forgotten, then one recess we were playing wiffle ball and I started hacking and coughing. Teacher asked me what was wrong and I truly didn't know, kept playing wiffle ball, coughing and every now and then my throat would close. Saturday's here and Grandma came by. I'm on the couch watching cartoons and she's by my side. I start to laugh at Garfield & Friends or Bump in the Night, I forget, and here returns the hacking couch Grandma hears this and gets upset: 
"Earlllll, what's wrong with you boy?". Here we go again. 
"Sounds like something's stuck in your throat."  Wow...how did I forget? 
"Actually Grandma, I swallowed a pinball." 
"A PINballlll?!!!! What? Why?? When??" 
"It was this past Sunday I believe but it was an accident."
The rest of the story gets kinds blurry or my selective memory has forced me to protect her. All I remember is coughing real hard and the pinball shooting across the room to my Grandma.

 I passed Diddy in an elevator twice in one day. I'm sorry that was kinda gay.

I wear my short hair nappy and my bowtie loose, so if you see me amongst a crowd you can say to yourself, "Hmm... I wonder if that's that dude?"